You Are Her Drug Dealer…

Okay, part of what I promised and what you'll find in my blog is a reality check. Cold, hard truth. Because at the end of the day, I'm here to help you succeed where I fucked up because no one was talking about what we men need to know. My intention is to help you create relationships that are both fulfilling and enjoyable. If that's not for you, just pass. But the reality is, your relationships in life, and specifically your intimate relationships, will ultimately either add to your life or take away from it. So, a lot of what we cover here is how to make them ADD to your life, or how to quickly assess if they're going to take away from it.

The Emotional Highs That Shape Attraction

Emotional intensity plays a powerful role in attraction and relationships. Women are naturally drawn to experiences that evoke excitement, passion, and unpredictability. This pursuit of emotional highs can manifest in different ways—whether through romantic turbulence, mystery, or engaging in situations that create strong emotional responses.

Instead of simply reacting to these emotional fluctuations, men can intentionally create and guide different emotional states. A man who understands this dynamic can steer interactions toward excitement, playfulness, intrigue, or deep connection—maintaining attraction while ensuring the relationship stays engaging and fulfilling. The ability to shift between emotional states, rather than remaining static or overly predictable, allows relationships to feel naturally engaging rather than forced or unstable.

For men, this is reversed; men prioritize the content (the information) of communication, and context is secondary. Women prioritize context, with content secondary. This is why during conflict and communication, men and women often miss each other, each growing more angry at not being understood. A woman might tell you, "You never pay attention to me." She's upset because you're not giving her the opportunity to communicate her feelings; it's the context that's relevant. She needs and wants to be heard. This has nothing to do with your past behavior; you probably know internally that you pay attention to her plenty. What she is saying is what she is feeling at the moment, and she just might not know how to truly express that internal feeling, even like many women. You can try adding three words when she says that: "at the moment." Or, starting with "I am feeling like…" should help you get through that. She is prioritizing, and always will, the feelings.

That's not to say women are entirely incapable of reason, nor does it imply that men are emotionally stunted. What I'm suggesting is that our innate, biological predispositions prioritize interpretive processes towards emotion in women, and rationality in men. Women can be taught to prioritize reason over emotion, and as I'll illustrate next, men can most definitely be conditioned to prioritize emotion above their innate reason.

The key is balance. Mastering emotional shifts means knowing when to heighten excitement, when to create anticipation, and when to provide calm stability. Those who recognize and refine this ability gain a deeper understanding of attraction, making relationships feel effortless rather than exhausting.

Some research suggests that women might discount future rewards more steeply when experiencing fear, indicating a potential link between emotional states and intertemporal choices. Additionally, neuroimaging studies hint that while overall reasoning patterns are similar, the limbic system, associated with emotions, shows greater activation in females during reasoning tasks, suggesting a more prominent role for emotional states in their reasoning processes.

A woman's primary need for experiencing emotion within relationships puts a man essentially at the helm of her relationship experience. If her need and desire to feel you isn't met, she will eventually lose interest. But don't get confused: her need to feel something isn't always a fuzzy, nice, warm feeling. She needs the right chemical concoction.

The following is a list of chemicals, and you, sir, are the one that creates them and the experience for her. Please see my book, The Mantidote, for down-to-earth explanations on how to do this:

• Oxytocin (the “love hormone”): This neurotransmitter is released during physical intimacy, bonding, and social interactions. It’s associated with feelings of trust, attachment, and relaxation, and it can reduce anxiety and increase feelings of well-being. Oxytocin inspires feelings of trust and caring.

• Cortisol (the stress hormone): This hormone is released in response to stress and can contribute to anxiety. While cortisol is essential for stress response, prolonged or elevated levels can negatively impact mental health.

• Norepinephrine (also known as noradrenaline): This neurotransmitter plays a role in arousal, attention, and stress responses. It is involved in anxiety and mood disorders, and its levels can fluctuate in response to stress or anxiety.

• Other Hormones: Estrogen and progesterone, which fluctuate during the menstrual cycle, can also influence mood and anxiety levels. For example, estrogen can increase serotonin, while changes in progesterone levels can potentially impact anxiety.

The basis of what I teach in The Mantidote is your recipe for creating the right concoction to stimulate the necessary hormones for fulfilling relationships. Now, I'm sure every man will have a different perspective on what a fulfilling relationship is, but if you know what you want than you will be able to get what you need.

It is all about balance. The chemicals that induce arousal are not the same chemicals that induce bonding, connection, and love. The chemicals that induce arousal during sex usually create higher states of pleasure, resulting in more orgasms for the woman, and her experience of orgasm often leads to her feeling bonded and connected to you. This particular mechanism can be influenced and used by you in creating a bond. Or, on the flip side, which happens often in modern society, a bond can be created that doesn't result in partnership. Here, a woman becomes bonded to a man with whom she has had intense sexual experiences and emotions, but no actual commitment resulted. We find this with women who stayed emotionally connected to previous partners due to this experience. Depending on the level of a woman's bond and potential trauma bonding due to internal emotional issues, these women may often move on to someone else yet stay internally connected to the male who gave them the intense experience of both sex and the subsequent longing. While a woman who does the inner healing work will be able to get over this, it is crucial for any man considering a long-term relationship, family, or anything serious, to understand the depth of this potential issue. You can download my chapter on how to VET a woman (otherwise known as “Is she worth it”?), because this will automatically discount any woman who may be dealing with issues that would leave her attached to someone who isn't you.

That being said, my take is that you become her drug dealer. Done correctly, you become the one who is intentionally creating various states, and creating them as a byproduct of how you choose to live your life, which I discuss in my book, The Mantidote. "Feeling you" doesn't mean physical touch. "Feeling you" means experiencing the various biochemical concoctions we've discussed above in association with you, so that you become her number one in her mind. I do believe that it is imperative to understand and vet a woman for her sexual past, getting to the core of how intense those experiences were for her. I understand that it isn't pleasant, but if you want a woman committed to you, or what we would call a "ride or die," you want to make sure that she has pair-bonding capabilities and that they have not been ruined as a result of the frequency and intensity of her previous sexual experiences.

She cannot love you if she has never been jealous over you…

David Buss, for instance, contends that jealousy is an evolved adaptation that activates in response to a perceived threat to a valued relationship. Buss further suggests that jealousy is an indispensable component of long-term relationships, functioning to maintain pair bonds by igniting passion and reinforcing commitment.

Three determining factors that could stunt or enhance her ability to bond:

• Intensity of past experiences (Sometimes that intensity is a result of frequency).

• Capability of self-work.

• Level of trauma = addiction to emotional states, thereby becoming anchored in the psyche.

Now, the purpose of this article was to educate you, but also to provide a framework for understanding why and how your ability to stimulate emotions is necessary and advantageous for your long-term relationships or any other woman. Due to the fact that women primarily operate on an emotional framework, it is up to us as men, who carry the burden of performance, to stimulate passion within relationships. This seems seemingly easy to say when discussing single people, but for those of us who have been in marriages or had kids, it takes on a whole another dimension. This is why I recommend ensuring there are boundaries in the bedroom when it comes to children sleeping in the bed. Co-sleeping is known for creating the healthiest situation for young children but simultaneously can lead to de-stimulating the associations with the bedroom. Sex is the core and glue of any relationship, regardless of whether one has children or not. There is a standard that all should uphold for themselves, their physical selves, in a relationship, regardless of having children or not. Parents need to feel sexy and work towards that to feel it even when life is overwhelmed with parental responsibilities. It is this particular work that ensures the continuation of some sort of attraction in a relationship. You are still her drug dealer when she is pregnant or has just given birth. You are still responsible for the stimulation of these experiences; you just need to be able to readjust your strategies and be more patient. This is something we will go into more detail in further writings. As I mentioned, a little anxiety can go a long way. A woman who becomes complacent in a relationship is not a good sign, neither is a man who becomes complacent in a relationship a good sign. It is the constant growth associated with a man that will ultimately either engage his partner to a greater degree or the opposite.

Stimulating laughter, connection, bonding, anxiety, fear, and jealousy are different aspects any man in a relationship should be aware of. Think of it as a game where you are the one creating the necessary situations through your independent actions and how you interact with her. Telling your woman "NO," setting boundaries, and then giving her positive feedback at another point through the makeup post is an example. Some men will intentionally create a fight, for instance, by being upset at her for something she did, having her leave the house to pick something up she left in the car, and when she comes back, you have flowers for her, wherehas she than realizes your were just playing with her. It is the thrill of the experience. Sometimes, I will stimulate a jokingly negative experience only to laugh it off afterward with her. In a sense, she is experiencing the dichotomy of a multi-pronged emotional experience. As a relationship progresses, your strategy will also have to change, but the idea is the same: you create the experience. There are many ways to do this. If she is seeing you too often and has gotten used to you, then she will need to feel your absence—to think about you. When she finally is reunited, she will be filled with other emotions. There are many ways, but the main thing you need to understand is that it is in your hands, and it is not all about the positive emotions. It is more about the variety and how they are ordered.

For more information on this check out my book The Mantidote or get in touch for a 1 on 1 consultation.